Joe's mother-in-law has fallen down into a well. Joe comes and throws her a whiskey bottle sniggering: Take it, gulp it down, it'll pick you up!
This one is not all that short, I'm sorry.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs.Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes , I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
The doctor: At night, before going to bed, lay down your worries at the foot of your bed. The patient: That's unthinkable, doctor, my wife will never agree to sleep on the floor.
Ninny Sally (weaping): I've lost my dog. Sue: Just post a notice with its photograph and your address. Ninny Sally: It's no use. My dog cannot read.
Cathy: Did you know it takes three sheep to make a woollen jacket? Ninny Sally: I didn't even know sheep could knit.
Ninny Sally is in the washhouse waiting for her washing machine ending its run. Above there is a poster reading "When the machine stops, take off your clothing." The washmachine stops running. Right away Ninny Sally strips off.
Polly: Wow! You're expecting a child! Congratulations! Ninny: The problem is that I'm expecting twins. Polly: What's the problem? Ninny: I wonder who can be the father of the second one.
Money? It's like women. To keep it, you have to take care of it. Otherwise it will bring someone else happiness.
A church old woman, 87, goes to confession. Old woman: I have been hiding a Jew from the nazis in my cellar. Do you think I'll be admitted to heaven. Priest: It was a good deed, poor old thing. Old woman: But I required he paid 500 FFrank per month. Priest: That's not cheap but don't worry, Jews aren't penniless. Old woman: Good to me, because I haven't told him the war was over yet.
A girl stepped into a pub. She was in the raw. She went strait on to the counter and asked for a beer on draught. The barman kept staring at her without lifting a finger. What's up, she said, have you never seen a naked woman? - Oh yes, very often. - Then, what are you staring at? - I wonder where you could take the money from to pay.